It dawned on me this week as I sat in my favorite little honeycomb hideout sippping on my favorite little vanilla chai latte that I need to seriously check myself. My entire outlook on love needs a makeover. Peep this article I read over at Clutch Magazine. Itplayed a huge part in this new train of thought I'm currently adopting. The moral of the story is simple. I've never had a problem finding men. It's always been quite the opposite actually. Men find me. They find me on the train...they find me at the supermarket...they even find me first thing in the morning with no make-up on trying to take out the trash! So, it's never been my style or my role to find love. Yet, I constantly face my singledom wondering what's wrong with me and why I can't find 'the one'. [Insert new outlook on love HERE]
The Clutch magazine article was enlightening because it reminded me that I mustn't fret over trying to find him. He's out there and when the time is right, he will come along. The goal is to focus on the waiting process. Waiting for something to happen before it happens is inevitable. It's like standing at a bus stop waiting for the bus. You know it's coming, but you also know that chances are it won't be on time. We all want love. True. But, what are we doing with that time before true love comes along? I've been guilty of doing alot of unhealthy ish during this waiting process. Perhaps my biggest fault was filling this time with empty prospects. For instance, last year I went on this whole cub binge. I was a straight up puma (cougar-in-training), ONLY dating menyoung boys babies who were born between the years of the Reagan administration. I know, I was bugging. It was just a phase, but a complete waste of my time nonetheless.
Gone are the days where I feel that I have to go out and find a man. 2011 is about finding myself. Better yet, 2011 is about defining myself. The dating game will remain the same, and I'll still be here to blog about it (ha ha) but I'm changing. I'm going into this next chapter with a new and fresh perspective. I'm so excited, aren't you?
So, I end this post with a simple question. How are you spending the waiting process?
Ladies, Let's face it. We are all searching for the cream of the crop. Alot of times, we have to dig all the way down to the bottom of the barrel to find that hidden gem. The key is to not give up on all the fabulous men that are out there for the taking. Lately, I've come across alot of men who talk an INCREDIBLE game, but they don't have the attributes to back it up. Am I preaching to someone with this one? You know the type. He's the guy you see promoting all the hot events in your town. You see him out at the club alot, poppin' bottles. Then, when you finally exchange information, he's on the phone claiming he's the illest club promoter around but you soon discover he's still taking the T to get to his events or bumming a ride from chicks he claims are just 'his friends'! Ugh. So over it. So over him. So over THEM!
How do you know when a guy you meet REALLY HAS IT GOING ON? Here's a hint...it's more than the material things. Check out my thoughts:
1. He always sees the glass half-full
Forget what you heard, optimism is so sexy. A man who is his BIGGEST cheerleader without being extremely cocky is a man that has it going on. Optimists see the best in every situation, no matter how grim. He is the opposite of all those naysayers and haters that you may encounter on a daily basis. It is so important to seek out this quality in a man because it's not always going to be roses.
2. His future is so bright, you need to wear SPF 50 around him
A man with a plan is a man that has it going on. He doesn't necessarily have to come equipped with the Beamer, Benz or Bentley...but it sure would be a good look to know that he's motivating on a future that will put him in a position to be happy. See, let me explain something to you. Don't think Trey Songz is ONLY desirable because he thinks he invented sex. The ladies REALLY started feeling Trey when he said, 'I just wanna be...I just wanna be successful!' That shit is sexy. Potential is a beautiful thing. Ask Michelle Obama. She'll tell you. When she met Barack, he was driving a beat up ol' car with a hole in the floor. But she saw his potential...now look at them!
3. He recognizes your worth
It is so great when a man sees you as the main course and not a side dish. He wants to fit in your life. He recognizes your worth. This is VERY IMPORTANT LADIES. A man that has it going on will treat you more precious than gold. This concept should remain universal. Pay attention if signs reveal to you that there is no room in his life for you. Also, ask the question up front. Simply say, 'Where do I fit in your life?' One of the biggest reasons why we meet men who turn out to be wrong for us is because we set these unrealistic expectations upon them without finding out what they are looking for in a relationship. Keep the lines of communication open. A man that recognizes your worth will want you by his side.
4. He knows his faith
A man that has it going on is a faithful man. I'm not saying that he should be sitting in the first pew at your church every Sunday, but he should respect the role of religion and live each day to the best of his ability. Often times, we look towards the church when it gets rough. A man that has it going on will know when to give glory and honor to the most high at his best and worst. Trust me, this attribute is important.
and finally...
5. He aims to please
There are so many reasons why we choose the men we choose to have in our lives. But, above all, you should always ask yourself this question: Does he make me smile? A man that has it going on will do everything in his power to make sure that you are always happy. When is the last time your man made you smile? I'm talking about one of those big ol' kool-aid smiles! You'd be amazed at how the smallest gesture can make the biggest impact. If he understands this, he's a keeper!
What's the moral of the story? Don't settle for less than mediocre. Seek out these men that 'got it going on'. They exist. You just have to go out there and look for them. ;)
I know we can all relate to experiencing the 'breakup'. There are books, movies, songs and even t-shirts out there to remind us of this almost inevitable part of life. Go check Twitter or Facebook right now and I bet you will find someone dogging out an ex. Heck, I'm even guilty of said action. But, who says that a breakup should be the most painful thing you go through. Relationships are hard work. We all know this. In the infamous words of Rob Base (whoa, I just dated myself) it takes two to make a thing go right. But, it can take just one of you to make it go incredibly wrong! And for whatever reason, when that happens, you must make the decision to try and work things out or K.I.M: Keep It Moving!
Shit happens. It's all about how you handle the 'shit' that will make you a better person in the end. So, here are some tips to help you save face and deal with the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup in a health way:
1.NO 'PLEASE, BABY BABY, PULEASE!'
Don't beg. It's so not what's hot. Begging leads to borderline psychotic behavior that will ONLY confirm to your ex that he/she made the right decision in breaking up with your crazy, begging ASS!
2.HE BROKE UP WITH ME ON A POST-IT?
One of my favorite episodes of Sex and The City was when Burger broke up with Carrie via a post-it! Wackness, huh? Breakups are best done in person. Don't TEXT, TWEET, UPDATE YOUR FB STATUS, BBM, EMAIL...and damn sure don't write it on a post-it! Being able to communicate your feelings face-to-face is important. It shows your maturity and courtesy about the situation.
3.AVOID PUBLIC PLACES
A friend told me a story of how she broke up with her man at the club. MAJOR NO-NO! They were side-eyeing each other all night, trying to make each other jealous. I even think she mentioned something about a drink being thrown....GEESH! Avoid breaking up in a public place because you don't want it to get that 'out-of-control'. A breakup can provoke all sorts of messy emotions that are best handled in a more intimate setting.
4.DON'T ANSWER THAT BOOTY CALL!
I know I'm preaching to someone with this one. Simply don't engage in the post-breakup booty call. To me, this is perhaps the unhealthiest thing you could do to yourself when dealing with the aftermath of a breakup. The relationship is over. Dunzo. Kaput. Obviously the sex wasn't enough to keep you in the relationship, so why continue to go there? Sex with your ex will confuse things. You've been warned...so BEWARE.
5.REVENGE SHOULD ONLY BE FOR NERDS
Revenge brings out the three D's: deceit, deception and dirt. Those are NOT good looks. We've all seen Maury. Remember the one with the chick who slept with her ex's brother, cousin and father and she wanted Maury to help her find her baby daddy???? Right. That episode. I mean, c'mon son! Don't put yourself through it!
and FINALLY...
6.THERE'S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL...
You've heard all the sayings. Joy cometh in the morning. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it. Surviving a breakup will build your character and make you a stronger person. You will learn more about yourself and be able to better decipher when shit ain't right in the future. A breakup doesn't have to be the end of everything...it should be the beginning of a HEALTHIER YOU!
And, there is NOTHING like running into an ex when this song is playing in the background:
Get it' Letoya!
Good luck getting through your breakups. Present, past, and future. Drop me a few lines if you have any other advice to offer. I'd love to read your comments.
I admit that I am a hopeless romantic. Lately, I've been a hapless romantic.
It is frustrating investing time to get to know someone and get your hopes built up over something only to watch it come to an end. I did that in my last relationship. I bent over backwards to make sure I was always available and very rarely received the same treatment. It is truly humbling when you come to the realization that no matter what YOU do, you can't change a person. You can only change how you decide to handle your life.
I often joke around and warn people that past relationships have made me tough and skeptical. All jokes aside, it sucks when I have to constantly question feelings that once came so easy for me. It sucks that I may potentially treat 'the one' like shit for awhile until I can truly trust him with me heart. At the end of the day, isn't that what we all want? That one special person that will guard your heart. I hope one day I get to that point. In the meanwhile, I will continue to be hopeful...and sleepless! :)
I was having an internal debate about whether or not I should blog about this new guy that I am currently talking to. But eff it, it's gotten to the point where I can't keep this ish to myself anymore. Basically, I'm smiling alot more these days. It's a nice feeling. He is a cub (and actually hates to be referred to as an animal, so this is the last time you will hear me refer to him as such...LOL!), and the fact that I'm even remotely interested in entertaining ANYONE right now is shocking the hell out of me. Read here for a reminder. But, I' m a firm believer in destiny and this is definitely along those lines. I actually grew up in the same neighborhood as him. We were literally separated by a flight of stairs as kids. Wow! This will make for a perfect 'so, how did you meet' story...and I'm totally geeked about it.
So, that's me right now....trying to process all of this. Taking it one day at a time. Enjoying it. And, of course, will probably continue to blog about it! Later lovers...
You know the old expression, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'...well, the milk is no longer free over here! I've decided to practice being celibate. I know, heavy stuff. Especially considering I love sex. Yeah, I just put that out there. This is my blog, right????
Last week a wise woman shared something with me that was very profound. She told me that I am a gift. Wow! Those four simple words raised me to a whole different level. They transformed my whole thought process on how to deal with the men that I encounter in my life. Of course I tell myself how great I am alllll the time, but I'm the first to admit that I sometimes forget how to treat myself. I am also guilty of allowing myself to being subjected to the constant bullshit that men dish out. I simply can't do it to myself anymore.
Fellas, it's a BRAND NEW DAY! I'm switching it up....completely! I'm straight up tired of doing the same thing and getting the same results. So, as of this 5th day of April in this year that is 2010 at 9:25 AM, I am taking a vow of celibacy. And to kick off this major moment in my life, here are some reasons that I will frequently reference (until whenever) to help me remember why I'm doing this...
1. In the infamous words of one of my favorite followers on Twitter, @LoveMySkip, 'I am keeping my cooty to myself.' In fact, my 'vajayjay' is on a strict diet until further notice. 'Nuff said.
2. Men think getting ass is an automatic reflex, like saying 'Bless You' after someone sneezes. It's time to re-program these men. You must give to get. You must show to be shown. You must love to be loved...catch my drift?
3. I'm actually holding out for Michael Ealy or Idris Elba...whoever comes through first.
4. My milkshake is bringing too many 'man whores' to the yard. I keep attracting regrets...I mean mistakes...I mean guys that are turning out to be all wrong. And, of course, in the past I've realized this after I let them have a taste. Those days are done.
5. In the event that Mike and Idris don't come through, I'm holding out for Drake. Drake, CALL ME!
6. Lately, I've just been feeling like I'd rather have a V-8!
7. I don't trust men.
8. The last guy I dated f----- it up for everyone else. BLAME HIM!
9. I just bought a fresh set of batteries for my 'friend'....so I will be 0-KAY! (SMILE)
AND FINALLY...
10. Like the wise woman said, I AM A GIFT! And I will only give my gift to a man that is truly deserving.
Wish me luck on this journey. It should be an interesting ride! (wink)
Hello there Beantown! I took a brief hiatus last week to handle some biz...but I'm back. Did you miss me?
Today's blog is going to be a short one. I just wanted to get a lil' something off my chest. MEN SUCK! Ok, that is all for now (smile!). I'll elaborate more on this when I've calmed down.
Welcome to Sleepless in Beantown. I'm a Boston girl with alot on my mind. I am excited to bring you my perspective on topics of love, life, fashion and all the things in between. The idea for this blog came about after spending a year blogging over at The Bridal BFF. My passion for writing just keeps getting stronger. So pull up a seat, sit back and enjoy Sleepless in Beantown.
